From the AAMFT Conference: The transformation of marriage

I’m in Memphis for the big AAMFT Conference, and today saw probably the best presentation in the 10-ish years I’ve been going to the thing.

I’ve always been a fan of the work of Stephanie Coontz, in particular her book “Marriage, a History: How love conquered marriage.” Today, though, rose her to another level. Racing through as much data as she could in a 55-minute speech, she covered far more ground than I can describe or even recall here, and pretty much ensured that I’ll be buying the conference recordings.
That said, she made a couple of statements that were especially notable. I’ll paraphrase as best as I can.
First, marriage as an institution is weaker than it was some decades ago. But the very forces that weaken marriage as an institution appear to also be strengthening the safety and fairness in marriage. For example: While the percentage of US residents who now say divorce is morally acceptable is at an all-time high (70%), so too are the percentages saying domestic violence and male adultery are morally unacceptable. As a country, we appear to be reaching consensus that a marriage plagued by abuse or adultery is a marriage worth leaving.
Second, parental anxiety and political hand-wringing about the time parents fail to spend with kids is probably misplaced. Yes, single mothers spend less time interacting with their children than married mothers do. But single mothers today actually spend more time interacting with their children than married mothers did in 1965. Both mothers and fathers spend more time with their kids, in fact. There is a cost: Parents only have so much time to give, and it appears that the extra time they spend with kids is coming at the expense of time alone, or more often, time with friends, neighbors, and other community influences. The very idea that the breakdown of “community” is linked to increases in parenting time is a radical one, but Coontz has the data to back it up.
She largely stayed away from politics, except to chastize both the left and the right for oversimplifying the dilemmas facing modern families and doing more posturing than working to really help families who could use it. All in all, a great presentation, and a great end to my conference. More on what I’ve seen this weekend soon.