Are mothers, inside and outside of therapy, generally angry at their husbands?
Outside of therapy, moms are surprisingly angry at dads. Such is the finding of a Parenting.com investigation, which looked at 1,000 married mothers to get a sense of their relationships. They found that almost half of moms became furious with their husbands once a week or more. (Salon’s Abigail Kramer comments articulately on the Parenting.com piece.)
Meanwhile, back at the office, MFTs see a lot of angry moms as well. According to the aptly titled “What’s Wrong with These People? Clinicians’ Views of Clinical Couples” in the January Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, MFT students and faculty alike expect wives in therapy to complain, criticize, and blame their husbands for the problems that bring them into therapy. The therapists were no kinder to clinical husbands, who they expected to be hostile, fight to get the last word in, and tell their wives what to do.
What gives? Are wives so mad, and dads so bad?
Let’s start with the JMFT article. If we’re trying to get a handle on how clinicians view their clients as being different from average, non-clinical couples, then that’s the comparison you should make. This article asked MFT faculty and students to compare typical clinical couples with ideal husbands and wives, and so it makes perfect sense that against that backdrop, clinical couples would be expected to show all the negative traits listed above.
MFTs do not expect their clinical couples to be ideal, and they would be dumb to have such an expectation — most ideal couples, if they even exist, probably are not in therapy. MFTs view their clinical couples as less than ideal. That makes sense. Does that mean MFTs view their clients as any different from the rest of the population? We can’t answer that based on this article.
Now, the Parenting.com piece is a bit tougher to crack. It’s safe to say the results are sensationalized to get media attention, but there still seems to be a lot of anger shown in the raw data — how did that happen?
There are lots of reasons to take the article with a giant, truck-sized grain of salt. For one, we don’t know how the questions were really asked, just how the author spun them. To wit: “Lots of moms — 40 percent — are also angry that their husbands seem clueless about the best way to take care of kids.” I don’t know how that question was asked, but I’ll put down five bucks that says the survey question was not, “Are you angry that your husband seems clueless about the best way to take care of kids?”
For another, the article highlights the most angry responses, even when those are in the minority. The quote above is a great example. So, 40 percent of moms feel this way? What about the 60 percent who don’t? These moms are not highlighted in the article, not given the chance to discuss at length the quality of parenting their husbands do. Such highlighting of a minority position is consistent throughout the article, most laughably when “33% of moms say their husbands aren’t shouldering equal responsibility and are less concerned than they are about their children’s basic needs.” The other two-thirds sound a lot more representative.
Finally, there’s not much information on the sampling method. We’re told it’s nationally representative, but just because that is true geographically or demographically does not mean it is true in terms of attitudes. You could do a survey of drug users that is “nationally representative,” but that doesn’t mean their attitudes on parenting would represent the attitudes of the nation as a whole.
It is not my intent to be entirely dismissive of either piece. I just think they need to be considered in the right context. There’s not enough here to conclude that moms are really that mad, that dads are really that bad, or that their therapists are really all that judgmental.